Well, I finally understand what all of the hubbub is about concerning business class travel. I flew from Washington to Frankfurt in United�s international business class section . . . and it was wonderful. Everyone has walked through first class on a domestic flight. The big cushy seats arranged two by two are so inviting as you walk by. So, I was expecting that business class would be somewhere in between this and coach. Boy was I in for a surprise. Apparently it�s a whole different ball game when you cross oceans.

I boarded the plane and was immediately diverted to the right by several blonde, German flight attendants, who were all at least 6 feet tall. Several of them stood guard in front of the dividing curtain which led to first class. The looks of intimidation made it abundantly clear that unless you had a first class ticket, you were not even to glance in the direction of first class. Those who did have a first class ticket were quickly escorted behind the curtain by one of the guarding flight attendants. So they didn�t lose the integrity of their blockade, another flight attendant materialized from somewhere to replace the missing link. I have to give them credit for the organization. You might be wondering how I noticed all of this, and the reason is I happened to be in the first row of business class, so I had a front row seat.

When I got to my seat, I put my bag in the overhead bin (which had enough room for a live cow) and sat down. Not even 10 seconds had passed after I sat down before someone thrust a tray in front of me offering a choice of champagne, orange juice, or water. I was so dehydrated that the water was more than appreciated . . . and the champagne wasn�t so bad either.

The flight attendants shamelessly continued to offer us refreshments right in front of the coach passengers while they were herded through our section to the rear of the plane. Some of them looked so longingly at our private paradise, that I actually sat there feeling guilty, though the champagne eventually helped me get over it. I think the flight attendants had some repressed hostility, probably caused by having to be so nice and servile to us business class passengers. Unfortunately, I think this repressed hostility took its toll on the coach passengers. It seemed like the flight attendants would have beaten the coach people into submission if given the chance. But instead, they smiled through gritted teeth and insincerely welcomed them aboard.

While the plane was taking off, and I had a break from being pampered, I noticed a wide variety of buttons on my enormously comfortable chair. I wondered what they did, but refused to touch any of them for fear of drawing attention to myself. Who knew what would happen if I pressed one? The flight attendant had announced that the instructions to the seat were in the seat pocket, but there was no way I would humiliate myself by actually looking at them in front of everyone. No, I thought it would be much more prudent to wait and see what everyone else did.

Anyway, once the flight attendants were again able to move about the cabin, they immediately gave us a little bag filled with goodies. While everyone else nonchalantly put them away without glancing at the contents, I opened mine with the enthusiasm of a 7 year old at Christmas. It contained a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, socks, a sleeping mask, Kleenex, mouthwash, a Band-Aid (in case I injured myself reaching for another glass of wine no doubt), a card declaring that razors were available upon request, a sign which read �Do Not Disturb,� and another saying, �Wake for Meals.� And then they passed out the menus, which listed our choices of wines, appetizers, main entrees, and desserts. By the way, they claimed that the menu was put together in part by Charlie Trotter�s, which is one of the most expensive restaurants in Chicago.

About this time, I noticed people reclining in their seats. And when I say reclining, I do not mean pushing the button on the arm rest to lower the back rest. I mean people manipulated their seats like Ninja masters as they elevated their feet and adjusted their head rests. It was amazing! Some were so adept at the controls that their chairs ended up looking more like beds. Unfortunately, I couldn�t see how anyone was doing it. I didn�t see anyone else reading the instructions either, so I was doomed. I decided that this would be a good time to press some buttons and pretend like I knew what I was doing.

I�m not sure, but I think the entire plane heard as the loud THWACK noise announced the sudden repositioning of my feet into an extremely unnatural position. I desperately tried to undo what I had done by pushing the protruding part back down with every muscle in my legs. However, nothing was budging. My face turned purple with effort before I realized this wasn�t going to work.

I sat there and contemplated my next course of action, all the while looking straight ahead, trying to pretend everything was going exactly as I�d planned. If only I�d looked at the instructions at the beginning of the flight when it was still moderately acceptable. Eventually, I had to admit to myself that I was going to have to read them. Damn! Now it was 10 times worse because tried to pull it off that I knew what I was doing. So, I smiled as if nothing unusual were happening and leaned forward to reach for the seat pocket. It probably would have been a good idea to unbuckle my seat belt first. In my anxiousness to get the instructions and end my torment, I didn�t consider how far away the seat pocket actually was (man those seats were roomy). This resulted in me being yanked back with enough force to cause my head to fling forward as if I had just been in a car accident . I still had a stupid grin on my face as if everything were perfectly normal, which I�m sure looked absolutely ridiculous. Once I recovered from whiplash, I unbuckled my belt, pretended to still have some dignity, and removed the United magazine from the pocket.

Just to illustrate to you (or convince myself) that I am not a total idiot, this seat had 18 ways to be adjusted. I mean not only could you increase or decrease the amount of lumbar support you had, but you could adjust the height of the lumbar support to perfectly fit the contour of your back. I finally conquered the chair, but for the rest of the flight, I clung to that magazine like it would solve all the mysteries of the universe. And it did come in handy again.

Other business class notables included a TV monitor that swung out of your arm rest offering you a selection of movies and television programs (yes I looked in the instructions before attempting to use it), a filet mignon that was better than many steak restaurants I�ve been to, good wine poured from full-sized bottles that didn�t have screw tops, and Godiva chocolates (in addition to a chocolate cake for dessert).

It was so decadent, I tried to envision what was happening in first class. It boggled my mind trying to imagine what could possibly be better than what I had. I couldn�t help but wonder if sexual favors were being performed for the passengers in first class. Or maybe they had therapists on hand to make sure no one was traumatized by any unexpected turbulence. Who knew? I didn�t think I�d get to see it, but they paraded everyone through it to �deplane� (which I still maintain is NOT a word . . . when you drive to the store, do you �decar� before shopping? I don�t think so.)

I literally didn�t even understand what I was looking at when I walked through first class. It was so sophisticated and technologically advanced that my brain could not interpret it. Nobody sat next to anyone. There were no neighbors. Everyone had their own private area with furniture!!! These areas were so complex looking, it seemed like the plane could be flown from them. I heard later from a friend who had once taken first class that each station contains a private TV and VCR with a wide selection of videos. It also includes a chair that actually turns into a bed. Can you imagine transforming that? I think a degree in airplane seat mechanics would be required!

Despite my inexperience with business class, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was the most comfortable and peaceful flight I�ve ever taken. I hope I will get to fly that way more often, and I highly recommend it.